Empower Newsletter – November 2012

Do you know?

‘your perceptions are your reality!’

Our world is created by our thoughts and beliefs, and our perceptions of events (and of ourselves) determine how we experience life.  If we believe that life is gloomy, then we will perceive gloom in events and by that perception we have drawn gloom into our lives and gloom is what we then experience.  On the other side if we believe that life is cheerful, then we will perceive happiness in events and by that perception we have drawn happiness into our lives and happiness is what we then experience.

Another way to put it is the way we view things is really only a reflection of our self beliefs, and not necessarily ‘how it really is’. I love how Dr. Phil puts it, “There is no reality – only perception”.

We actually look for what our perception of an event is.  And what you search for is what you will find!  So if you search for gloom you will find gloom and if you search for happiness you will find happiness.  It really depends where your focus is.  A great example of this is where two people who attended the same party and one’s recollection of the night was that it was boring and the other had the best night ever.  If you look hard enough you will find what you are searching for.

We only need to look at a situation from a different angle, or from another’s point of view, (or see the ‘bigger’ picture), and that can totally change our experience of life and countless events.

How are you experiencing life?  Do you look for the good or bad in people, are rich people ruthless or generous, are you grateful for what you have or do you complain, do you look for the fun or misery in things you do?   You WILL find what you are looking for! 

Remember when you bought your last car and all of a sudden you started to see it everywhere, the exact colour, make and model.  It didn’t happen all of a sudden, they were always there it’s just that your focus changed.  You were not looking for it in the past.  What will you be searching for now?

A Great Read

Layne Beachley

Beneath the Waves

By Michael Gordon with Layne Beachley

After losing her adopted mother at the age of six and then being told she was adopted at the age of eight, Layne decided that she was going to be the best in the world at something.  She believed being the best would earn her love and respect.  The need to be loved and approved of drove her to become the winner of a record seven women’s world surfing championships.  Lanye is a truly inspirational woman.

Chicks in the City is breaking early for Christmas.  We will not be meeting in November and December 2012.

Parramatta Naturopathic

Clinic have relocated.  They are holding an open day on Friday 30 Nov from 10am to 4pm at Unit 9/37-39 Smith Street, Parramatta. There will be different speakers and a free showbag for everyone.  For further details visit www.parramattanaturopathicclinic.com.au

Something to Ponder

Reality is what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.
~ Gary Zukav ~

~ Ken Keyes, Jr ~

Affirmation Corner

‘As I open myself to a clear perception of life in present time, the prosperity I have missed now rushes in to me.’

Are you an emotional or comfort eater?

By Di Browne

If you turn to food for comfort when you are not feeling so good keep reading.  Emotional eating can be triggered when you are feeling low, stressed, angry, sad or depressed or any other feeling such as boredom! 

Most people eat because they think it makes them feel better!  Does eating really make you feel better or improve your mood?  If so, for how long do you feel better after eating?  My guess is about 5 minutes!  Maybe it’s that little voice in your head that starts saying negative things that make you feel even worse.  Things like you have no willpower and you are not good enough anyway.  Then may come the self-judgement and feelings of guilt which make you feel even worse.  Hence the vicious cycle of emotional eating.  The mood would no doubt feel worse after this self-talk then it did before you started eating.  

No matter what your trigger is, you always have the choice to change the pattern of emotional eating.

So what else can you do when you feel like eating to make yourself feel better?   Instead of feeding your food cravings or ignoring them you could occupy yourself in other ways.  Things such as going for a walk, going to the gym, reading a book, making a phone call or meditation.   

Boost hormones!

Other ways to make yourself feel better include arousing the naturally produced stimulant levels in your body such as serotonin and oxytocin.  Research has shown that Serotonin is the “feel good” neurotransmitter of the brain.  Serotonin is responsible for us feeling happy, relaxed, calm, motivated, and at peace with our lives and our role in the world.

Low serotonin levels can make you feel depressed and attack your self-esteem and confidence.  Low serotonin levels can also cause intense refined carbohydrate cravings that are very difficult to ignore.  In particular, these food cravings trigger impulse eating that is difficult to control with willpower alone.  

Oxytocin is another feel good hormone often called the “cuddle hormone”.  Oxytocin is released when we feel love, trust and comfort.  It can be even more powerful than serotonin.  If you need a lift, remember the power of simply spending time with your significant other or family members and friends.

So it makes great sense to do things that revitalize you and make you feel good to stop the pattern of emotional eating.  Things such as ringing, visiting or talking to someone you love, trust or feel comfort from and engage in a long, deep conversation with them.  If you are lucky enough to be around someone you love give them a cuddle to lift your mood. 

Or you could go to a place where your patience will run out before you get served!

Seriously, what will you now choose to do instead of eating when you feel emotional?

With any pattern that has been running for a long time, it will take conscious thought to continually choose the revised behaviour.  Eventually it will become an unconscious behaviour that you will not have to think about.  It’s a bit like driving a car.  When you first learnt to drive you had to consciously think about how to drive.  After practice you no longer have to consciously think about how to steer, put the blinker on, look in your side mirror or change gears?   

Here’s to a healthier happier you!

Empower Newsletter – October 2012

Welcome to the October Newsletter.  The focus this month is about how consciously thinking about what we do can create enough awareness to change our reality!

Do you know?

 ‘what are you doing that is no longer necessary?’

As children we take on certain roles because they serve us at the time.  Roles such as that of a peace maker, having to be good all the time, doing the right thing, being responsible, being studious or sporty, or even the clown.

The thing is, we go through life continuing in these roles long after some of them are no longer necessary or no longer serving us.  In actual fact some of our roles are disempowering and hindering us in our adult lives. 

It’s as if we are on ‘auto pilot’ not thinking about what we are doing or who we are being, we are just doing what we have always done.  It worked back then so we continue to do it or be it now.

The roles we have taken on were developed from beliefs we had created about ourselves, beliefs created as children.  For example, a child may have taken on the role of peacemaker in their home because they believed that if they did everything they could to be good and make sure everything stayed calm their parents would be happy with them.  The last thing they would have wanted was to be responsible for their parents fighting or even worse, getting a divorce.

The thing is we are adults now, and these antiquated roles are not who we are and are not who we need to be to get us what we want.

Are you still playing out a role you created based on a child’s mentality?

 A Great Read

Influence

The Psychology of Persuasion

By Robert B. Cialdini, PH.D.

This book is sensational!  It doesn’t matter what your role in life is, this book is for everyone.  Have you ever walked away from a situation feeling like you had been taken advantage of; found yourself not being able to say no because you were worried about how it would look, or out of a sense of obligation?  Well if you answered yes to any of the above this book will give you an understanding of how this occurs and what you can do about it.  It also gives away a lot of secrets (tricks of the trade) used in getting us to do and/or buy products and/or services.  The book covers reciprocation, consistency, social proof, liking, authority and scarcity.  I highly recommend it!                                        

Events Schedule

Chicks in the City

Wed 18/10/2012 at 6.30pm

Chicks in the City meet the third Wednesday of every month from 6.30pm to 8.00pm at Ryde Eastwood Leagues Club, 117 Ryedale Road, West Ryde in the lounge area next to the Bristo. 

Chicks in the City is a group for women to connect.  Basically it’s all about hanging out with women, meeting new friends, socialising, finding like-minded women to chat to or even making long lasting friendships. 

All women are welcome and it’s free. 

Something to Ponder

The average human today, thinks 60,000 thoughts per day! Those thoughts, whether random or focused, conscious or unconscious, represent the seeds that you are planting and are continuously affirming and consistently feeding information to the subconscious mind which determines WHAT you are attracting and WHAT is manifesting in the form of outcomes that you come to see and experience in your physical world!

Quote of the Month

“The past does not equal the future.”

 Anthony Robbins

Affirmation Corner

‘I trust in myself’

and

‘My mind is completely focused on success’

Learnt Behaviour

by Di Browne

When I first heard of learnt behaviour during my coaching studies, I immediately thought of it as behaviours we adapt to comply with society’s rules.  Things like sleeping during the night, obeying the law and fidelity.  Well it is about that and so much more! 

Put simply behaviours are strategies and everything we do is a strategy.  A very basic example of a strategy is how we dry ourselves after a shower.  You do it in a particular way!  First you might dry your face, then your hair, then your back or chest.  It doesn’t matter how you do it, what matters is the end result.  The important question in relation to strategies is ‘do the infinite amount of strategies we run in our lives give us the results we want?’ In other words ‘are your strategies getting you the outcomes you want?’

Every single behaviour we have has been learnt because we either saw someone else do it, as a survival mechanism or if we consciously chose it.  Considering there are infinite learnings, besides the behaviours we chose, how many have we learnt that we unconsciously act out in our everyday lives?

Let’s have a look at a strategy/learnt behaviour that has greater consequence than not being dry.  Imagine you grew up in a household where you gained respect from voicing your opinion no matter how much you had to raise your voice to get your point of view across!  So your belief in this example would be, to get respect you need to make sure you get your opinion across no matter what.  You would think this is how to gain respect.  After all this is how it was in your family and it worked then.

The thing is we adapted and learnt behaviours in the past that no longer work for us now.
Some of our strategies are no longer serving us, there are actually working against us.  Using the example above, some people do not react very well to people raising their voices.  If they grew up in a household where it was disrespectful to raise their voice at someone, their belief may be that it is a bad thing to raise your voice.  They would not respect anyone who uses this strategy/learnt behaviour!  So in trying to gain respect, the person trying to get their point across only managed to be disrespected.  This strategy worked against him in this example and more than likely he wouldn’t know why!

So how do you know what strategies you are unconsciously running that are not serving you now?  In other words, how do you know what you don’t know?

Start by looking at anything in your life where you are not getting the results or outcomes you want.  Maybe you have the same or similar results in your finances, health, career and relationships as those people you originally learnt the behaviours from.  If you want different results, start modelling people who have what you want in that area.  Do what they do, think what they think and be who they are in the area where you want the same outcome.

By changing your strategy you will get a different outcome.  Einstein said ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.’  To get a different result all you need to do is to change something in your strategy!  To get an even better result, model excellence!

Di Browne
Coach to Empower

Qualities of friends

F.R.I.E.N.D.S- (F)ight for you (R)espect you (I)nclude you

(E)ncourage you (N)eed you (D)eserve you (S)tand by you!!

To receive these qualities from someone else, they must start with us.  We need to give these things to ourselves before anyone else can give them to us.

For example do you: -

fight for yourself?  Imagine if someone put shit on one of your friends, how that would make you feel.  Would it be OK with you?  Do you feel the same way and want to fight for yourself when it happens to you, or do you somehow justify it!

respect yourself?  Would you hang out with someone that had no respect?  How much honor, esteem and worth do you have for yourself?  Do you have great respect for your personal qualities and abilities?

If you have a friend like this chances are you have all these qualities.

Empower Newsletter – September 2012

The September Newsletter has arrived just in time for the first day of Spring.  Spring signifies the emergence of new life and brings meaningful growth and rejuvenation in its wake. Spring enriches natural beauty and it seems as if nature is dressed in a beautiful green gown.  What better time to focus on the natural beauty that is within each and every one of us.

Do you know?

‘You are perfect!’

Most of us are fortunate enough to be born whole and able.  It is through our childhood experiences that we take on beliefs that are in direct conflict with this.  All of our beliefs about ourselves are formed between the ages of 0 and 6.  They are formed by us adding a meaning to a childhood emotional event.  Whilst some of these beliefs serve us, others do not.

For example if other children didn’t want to play with us at school, we may have made it mean that they didn’t like us or that there must be something wrong with us, which translates to believing we are not good enough.

As a child if we had trouble learning mathematics, we may have believed we were not very good at Maths which would have no doubt translated to being stupid and not being good enough.

What about if your mother accidently left you somewhere, oops!!!!  Would a child make that mean that she didn’t care about them?  Maybe if we were better behaved Mum would care!

As you can imagine there are infinite emotional events during childhood.  I wonder how many of these events we added a meaning to which translated to not being good enough.

Although we don’t consciously remember a lot of these definitions our unconscious remembers everything and we act out our child beliefs in our everyday life.

The thing is as children we didn’t have the intellect, knowledge or worldly experience that we now have as adults.  If we look back on these events as adults the meaning we gave the event as children will almost seem laughable.  With this realisation we are then able to acknowledge that is not what the event meant at all which enables us to add a new belief that will serve and empower us.

We are all perfect just the way we are!  You just need to believe it!
Events Schedule

Chicks in the City
Wed 19/09/2012 at 6.30pm

Chicks in the City meet the third Wednesday of every month from 6.30pm to 8.00pm at Ryde Eastwood Leagues Club, 117 Ryedale Road, West Ryde in the lounge area next to the Bristo.

Chicks in the City is a group for women to connect.  Basically it’s all about hanging out with women, meeting new friends, socialising, finding like-minded women to chat to or even making long lasting friendships.

All women are welcome and it’s free.

Something to Ponder

I cannot tell you how many sighs of relief I have heard from clients when after they have told me their issues, I’ve responded by assuring them they are perfectly normal and nothing I haven’t heard dozens, maybe hundreds, of times before.

Quote of the Month

“Yours is the energy that makes your world. There are no limitations to the self except those you believe in.”
Jane Robertsare

Affirmation Corner

‘I seek and find what I need within me.’

If you act as if everyone likes you, it will change your reality!

Do you act differently around different people?  Are you more relaxed and give more of yourself to some people?  Does the way you interact depend on who you are with?  Does it make a difference if you think they like you or not?

I remember a time not so long ago when I first met a business colleague who was quite aloof and non-engaging.  I remember making this mean that maybe she did not like me.  Normally I would not make an effort with this person, I would just accept my initial thought and keep my distance.

Not this time though, I decided that I would act as if she did like me.  I treated her the way I treat other people I do like, and wouldn’t you know it, she responded the way my friends do.  Funny thing is I would never have formed a friendship with this girl if I hadn’t changed my belief and the way I responded to her.

I wonder how this way of thinking will change the quality of your life and maybe even increase the number of friends you have.  My challenge to you is to act as is everyone likes you and see how it changes your reality.

Let me elaborate firstly on the previous feedback that it doesn’t work.  This strategy is of more benefit for new people you meet.  This is where you will see instant results.  My understanding is that this was in relation to a strained relationship which already existed.  For many of us it took a long time to form the relationships we have with people, good and not so good.  Therefore it would possibly take more than just a couple of times of acting differently before your actions are reciprocated.  Put yourself in their shoes, just because someone you don’t have a good relationship with suddenly acts as if you are friends, doesn’t mean you will respond in the same way.  Although if you continued, they may eventually feel comfortable enough to trust that it is okay.

For those people who tried it and found it did work, congratulations on your instant results!  You actually changed the outcome you would have normally experienced simply by changing what you believed a certain behaviour meant.  For example when someone hasn’t returned your phone call, you may have normally jumped straight to the conclusion that you must have done something wrong or the person doesn’t want to speak to you.  When in reality, it is probably that they just forgot or they are busy.  There could be a thousand different reasons why they have not returned your call.

So why would we choose to think it is something about us personally, when we can gain the benefits that come along with choosing to think otherwise!

How do you know what you don’t know?

How did you get your beliefs?  Did you sit down and decide what beliefs and values you will have and why?  Chances are you haven’t.  Chances are they just turned up due to life experiences, circumstances and surroundings.  I wonder if you would choose some of the same beliefs if you did sit down to establish them today.  I wonder how it would change your life moving forward if all of your beliefs actually served you.

So how do you go about discovering what it is you don’t know in relation to your beliefs?  Well the first step I use when working with clients, which you can also use, is to assist them in taking a close look at something in their lives that is not the way they would like it to be.  It could be a relationship, wanting more friends, problems at work, or health concerns.  Basically anything that is not the way you want it to be.  I do this by asking them what would happen if the situation was the way they wanted it to be.  For example, what would happen if they did had more friends?  And then I ask, what else would happen?  I keep asking them ‘and what else would happen?’ until they no longer come up with an answer and then I ask it again. Whatever answers pop into their mind is treated as being true, as the answers are coming from their unconscious, after all where else would they come from?  They come up with not only pleasurable but also painful scenarios.  It’s the painful scenarios I get them to focus on.  The reason for this is that, we as humans do more to avoid pain that we do to feel pleasure (read more on pain and pleasure in the March 2011 edition of the Empower Newsletter).  Some underlying painful beliefs in the example of having more friends could be that having friends is hard work, they can’t be trusted, they let you down or that they even end up hurting you.

So although we consciously know we will gain certain pleasures from getting what we want, our unconscious also associates pain from past experiences.  The painful ones win out.  Our unconscious remembers when we were hurt in the past and associates that certain event as the cause.  So when we encounter that same experience again, because our unconscious wants to protect us it instinctively associates it as painful.  And because we do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure, we avoid the pain.  Hence, we unconsciously sabotage our friendships or potential friendships.

So how can we change our beliefs?  I start by getting my client to focus on the pleasurable outcomes they have had in the past.  Take the example of wanting more friends.  I ask them if all of their experiences have been painful.  I think not, surely there have been some good times, support and/or laughter.  I then get them to start focusing on the pleasurable outcome they want and all the times in the past it has been pleasurable.  From these pleasures a new belief is adopted.  Secondly I assist them in using their unconscious mind to their advantage by associating pain to not having more friends.  By asking questions like, what is not having more friends costing you and what are you missing out on by not having more friends?  These questions are asked until they have created enough pain for their unconscious mind to want to avoid.

I strongly urge you to try this technique.  What do you have to loose besides a disempowering belief that no longer serves, supports, nurtures or challenges you.  I would love to hear about ‘what you now know that you didn’t previously know’.

Is your mindset like an elephants?

Did you know that elephants have an excellent memory.  This is the reason why they do not escape from the stakes they are tied to at the zoo or circus.  It’s not because they can’t, they are certainly strong enough.  You see, they are chained to stakes as babies and no matter how hard they pull and tuck they can’t get loose.  This battle can last for days and is very bloody and painful.  So even when they are fully grown they not only remember that they couldn’t escape, they also remember how painful it was being chained when they were little so they don’t even try.

Good thing we aren’t elephants.

We are humans and as such we know better.  We know we can change if we set our mind to it.
You don’t have to be the elephant tied to the stake, you can break loose and reach the success you desire.  All you have to do is change your mindset and work on yourself.

‘We do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure’

Empower Newsletter – August 2012

Welcome to the August 2012 edition of the Empower Newsletter.  The focus this month is around valuing ourselves and others more.
Do you know?

‘all about the three J’s?’

It was at a workshop called ‘empowering women’ that I first heard about the effect the three J’s (judgement, justification and jealousy) can have on women.  The idea is that they play a major role in hindering women being a great resource for each other.  In actual fact, it was suggested that these three J’s actually turn us against each other.

What do the three J’s give us anyway?  Do we ‘justify’ things to make us feel OK about ourselves?  Do we ‘judge’ others to make us feel better?  Do we act ‘jealous’ because we perceive someone else is better than us?  If so, maybe all it would take to get rid of the three J’s from our behaviour is to simply start valuing ourselves more.

I am a firm believer that women are a great resource for each other, a resource that is way under-utilised.  I believe there is not one thing a group of women could not solve.  Someone would have been through the same thing.  For example, if you were thinking about buying an investment property and were feeling a little apprehensive about it, someone who had been through it would be able to talk about how it felt for them and how it turned out.  This support would not be possible if we thought we were going to be judged as lacking or stupid.

Deleting the three J’s from our behaviour, what a concept!  Imagine the freedom you would have to do and say what you pleased without any concern of what others were saying or thinking.  Imagine how good we could make others feel by paying them a compliment or just accepting them for who they are.  Imagine responding to a compliment with ‘thank you’ instead of worrying about feeling like you were full of yourself.

A Great Read

The Divided Mind by John E. Sarno, M.D.
This book is quite thought provoking.  It states the basis for mindbody disorders are due to the interaction between the conscious and unconscious minds.

This book is not for everyone. Some will find it, almost literally, a lifesaver. Others will regard it as offensive, insulting, and a complete waste of time. My own opinion is that it is a valuable book, especially if you have a holistic approach to health.

Events Schedule

Chicks in the City
Wed 15/08/2012 at 6.30pm

Chicks in the City meet the third Wednesday of every month from 6.30pm to 8.00pm at Ryde Eastwood Leagues Club, 117 Ryedale Road, West Ryde in the lounge area next to the Bristo.

Chicks in the City is a group for women to connect.  Basically it’s all about hanging out with women, meeting new friends, socialising, finding like-minded women to chat to or even making long lasting friendships.

All women are welcome and it’s free.

Something to Ponder

Did you know … that if you act in ways that show you value yourself, others start to behave towards you in similar ways? It’s a paradox; yet, when you show you value yourself, others start to believe that you have value.

And remember: When you believe in yourself, you act with confidence; others begin to believe which leads you to feel more valued.

Quote of the Month

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.”
Yogi Bhajan

Affirmation Corner

‘I love and accept myself unconditionally.’
and
‘I approve of myself and feel great about myself.’

Di Browne

www.coachtoempower.com.au