How to use PAIN to your advantage!

It’s human nature to do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure?  That’s right, we will do more to avoid something we perceive as painful then we will do to gain pleasure from doing it.  When I first heard this principle, I thought it sounded ridiculous.  I want things in my life that give me pleasure!  That degree will give me pleasure right; it will get me the job, promotion or the pay rise I want!  It sure will, although if the perceived pain such as studying, essays, exams and time associated with the degree is greater than the pain of not getting the promotion or the pay rise, I will do more to avoid what I perceive as more painful.  In this case finishing the degree!  This principle is the same in every area of our lives.  Anything you have not done is because you perceive more pain around doing it.

Use the Pain v’s Pleasure principle to get what you want!

Doing more to avoid pain than to feel pleasure is an inbuilt survival mechanism to avoid things that we know will cause us pain.  We don’t have to think about it, we just know it will be painful.  For example, we know that when we end a relationship, it will be painful.  To a lot of people the word ‘diet’ congers up all sorts of pain, like missing out on their favourite food or having to exercise, less time to relax, etc.  These aren’t necessarily conscious thoughts; in fact it is usually the opposite.  They are just things we know will be painful based on past experiences.

So if we create more pain around not doing what we want, it makes sense that we will avoid doing what we perceive has the greatest pain.  In other words, it will propel us toward getting what we really want.  For example, if you want to be a particular size, create more pain around not being that size rather than creating pain around what is involved with losing the weight.

Before I explain how to create more pain around the old unwanted behaviour, ask yourself what the pain is you associate with doing it.  That is, the reason you haven’t done it yet.  It could be as simple as ‘the time it takes’ or ‘the loss of something’ because we see it as painful if something is taken away from us.

Is the thought of losing something painful to you?

Now you will have a new awareness around what you were associating the pain to if you were to do it!  The next step is to ask yourself what pleasure you get from not following through.  You may have got pleasure from eating or more time by not following through.  As an example, if you were on a diet you may have eaten a chocolate biscuit.  You may say that eating the chocolate biscuit doesn’t bring you pleasure, it makes you feel like crap!  What is more real in the moment though, the pain of being fat or the pleasure of eating the chocolate biscuit?

So now it’s time to create so much more pain around not getting what you want and to make you want to avoid it.  One of the most effective ways to do this is to ask yourself the following questions.

In one years’ time if nothing changes: -

what will be happening in my life?

what will be happening with my health?

what sorts of things will I be telling myself?

what will my relationships with others and more importantly, myself be like?

what will it cost me in other areas of my life?

what will I be missing out on?

what will be happening emotionally and financially?

how will I be feeling?

In two years’ time if nothing changes: -

Ask yourself the same questions again

In five years’ time if nothing changes: -

Ask yourself the same questions again

Now how are you feeling?  I have no doubt you are keen to avoid the pain you just created and are feeling very motivated to get on with doing what it is you want.  If not, keep going through the questions above until you have found enough pain to make you want to avoid it.

The trick is to continually create more pain around the undesired behaviour that is going to stop you getting what you ultimately want.  This will then propel you to get what you want.

Take control now!  Use pain and pleasure to control your decisions, don’t let pain and pleasure control you.

Copyright Di Browne - 24 January 2013

Are you an emotional or comfort eater?

By Di Browne

If you turn to food for comfort when you are not feeling so good keep reading.  Emotional eating can be triggered when you are feeling low, stressed, angry, sad or depressed or any other feeling such as boredom! 

Most people eat because they think it makes them feel better!  Does eating really make you feel better or improve your mood?  If so, for how long do you feel better after eating?  My guess is about 5 minutes!  Maybe it’s that little voice in your head that starts saying negative things that make you feel even worse.  Things like you have no willpower and you are not good enough anyway.  Then may come the self-judgement and feelings of guilt which make you feel even worse.  Hence the vicious cycle of emotional eating.  The mood would no doubt feel worse after this self-talk then it did before you started eating.  

No matter what your trigger is, you always have the choice to change the pattern of emotional eating.

So what else can you do when you feel like eating to make yourself feel better?   Instead of feeding your food cravings or ignoring them you could occupy yourself in other ways.  Things such as going for a walk, going to the gym, reading a book, making a phone call or meditation.   

Boost hormones!

Other ways to make yourself feel better include arousing the naturally produced stimulant levels in your body such as serotonin and oxytocin.  Research has shown that Serotonin is the “feel good” neurotransmitter of the brain.  Serotonin is responsible for us feeling happy, relaxed, calm, motivated, and at peace with our lives and our role in the world.

Low serotonin levels can make you feel depressed and attack your self-esteem and confidence.  Low serotonin levels can also cause intense refined carbohydrate cravings that are very difficult to ignore.  In particular, these food cravings trigger impulse eating that is difficult to control with willpower alone.  

Oxytocin is another feel good hormone often called the “cuddle hormone”.  Oxytocin is released when we feel love, trust and comfort.  It can be even more powerful than serotonin.  If you need a lift, remember the power of simply spending time with your significant other or family members and friends.

So it makes great sense to do things that revitalize you and make you feel good to stop the pattern of emotional eating.  Things such as ringing, visiting or talking to someone you love, trust or feel comfort from and engage in a long, deep conversation with them.  If you are lucky enough to be around someone you love give them a cuddle to lift your mood. 

Or you could go to a place where your patience will run out before you get served!

Seriously, what will you now choose to do instead of eating when you feel emotional?

With any pattern that has been running for a long time, it will take conscious thought to continually choose the revised behaviour.  Eventually it will become an unconscious behaviour that you will not have to think about.  It’s a bit like driving a car.  When you first learnt to drive you had to consciously think about how to drive.  After practice you no longer have to consciously think about how to steer, put the blinker on, look in your side mirror or change gears?   

Here’s to a healthier happier you!

Learnt Behaviour

by Di Browne

When I first heard of learnt behaviour during my coaching studies, I immediately thought of it as behaviours we adapt to comply with society’s rules.  Things like sleeping during the night, obeying the law and fidelity.  Well it is about that and so much more! 

Put simply behaviours are strategies and everything we do is a strategy.  A very basic example of a strategy is how we dry ourselves after a shower.  You do it in a particular way!  First you might dry your face, then your hair, then your back or chest.  It doesn’t matter how you do it, what matters is the end result.  The important question in relation to strategies is ‘do the infinite amount of strategies we run in our lives give us the results we want?’ In other words ‘are your strategies getting you the outcomes you want?’

Every single behaviour we have has been learnt because we either saw someone else do it, as a survival mechanism or if we consciously chose it.  Considering there are infinite learnings, besides the behaviours we chose, how many have we learnt that we unconsciously act out in our everyday lives?

Let’s have a look at a strategy/learnt behaviour that has greater consequence than not being dry.  Imagine you grew up in a household where you gained respect from voicing your opinion no matter how much you had to raise your voice to get your point of view across!  So your belief in this example would be, to get respect you need to make sure you get your opinion across no matter what.  You would think this is how to gain respect.  After all this is how it was in your family and it worked then.

The thing is we adapted and learnt behaviours in the past that no longer work for us now.
Some of our strategies are no longer serving us, there are actually working against us.  Using the example above, some people do not react very well to people raising their voices.  If they grew up in a household where it was disrespectful to raise their voice at someone, their belief may be that it is a bad thing to raise your voice.  They would not respect anyone who uses this strategy/learnt behaviour!  So in trying to gain respect, the person trying to get their point across only managed to be disrespected.  This strategy worked against him in this example and more than likely he wouldn’t know why!

So how do you know what strategies you are unconsciously running that are not serving you now?  In other words, how do you know what you don’t know?

Start by looking at anything in your life where you are not getting the results or outcomes you want.  Maybe you have the same or similar results in your finances, health, career and relationships as those people you originally learnt the behaviours from.  If you want different results, start modelling people who have what you want in that area.  Do what they do, think what they think and be who they are in the area where you want the same outcome.

By changing your strategy you will get a different outcome.  Einstein said ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.’  To get a different result all you need to do is to change something in your strategy!  To get an even better result, model excellence!

Di Browne
Coach to Empower

Qualities of friends

F.R.I.E.N.D.S- (F)ight for you (R)espect you (I)nclude you

(E)ncourage you (N)eed you (D)eserve you (S)tand by you!!

To receive these qualities from someone else, they must start with us.  We need to give these things to ourselves before anyone else can give them to us.

For example do you: -

fight for yourself?  Imagine if someone put shit on one of your friends, how that would make you feel.  Would it be OK with you?  Do you feel the same way and want to fight for yourself when it happens to you, or do you somehow justify it!

respect yourself?  Would you hang out with someone that had no respect?  How much honor, esteem and worth do you have for yourself?  Do you have great respect for your personal qualities and abilities?

If you have a friend like this chances are you have all these qualities.

If you act as if everyone likes you, it will change your reality!

Do you act differently around different people?  Are you more relaxed and give more of yourself to some people?  Does the way you interact depend on who you are with?  Does it make a difference if you think they like you or not?

I remember a time not so long ago when I first met a business colleague who was quite aloof and non-engaging.  I remember making this mean that maybe she did not like me.  Normally I would not make an effort with this person, I would just accept my initial thought and keep my distance.

Not this time though, I decided that I would act as if she did like me.  I treated her the way I treat other people I do like, and wouldn’t you know it, she responded the way my friends do.  Funny thing is I would never have formed a friendship with this girl if I hadn’t changed my belief and the way I responded to her.

I wonder how this way of thinking will change the quality of your life and maybe even increase the number of friends you have.  My challenge to you is to act as is everyone likes you and see how it changes your reality.

Let me elaborate firstly on the previous feedback that it doesn’t work.  This strategy is of more benefit for new people you meet.  This is where you will see instant results.  My understanding is that this was in relation to a strained relationship which already existed.  For many of us it took a long time to form the relationships we have with people, good and not so good.  Therefore it would possibly take more than just a couple of times of acting differently before your actions are reciprocated.  Put yourself in their shoes, just because someone you don’t have a good relationship with suddenly acts as if you are friends, doesn’t mean you will respond in the same way.  Although if you continued, they may eventually feel comfortable enough to trust that it is okay.

For those people who tried it and found it did work, congratulations on your instant results!  You actually changed the outcome you would have normally experienced simply by changing what you believed a certain behaviour meant.  For example when someone hasn’t returned your phone call, you may have normally jumped straight to the conclusion that you must have done something wrong or the person doesn’t want to speak to you.  When in reality, it is probably that they just forgot or they are busy.  There could be a thousand different reasons why they have not returned your call.

So why would we choose to think it is something about us personally, when we can gain the benefits that come along with choosing to think otherwise!

How do you know what you don’t know?

How did you get your beliefs?  Did you sit down and decide what beliefs and values you will have and why?  Chances are you haven’t.  Chances are they just turned up due to life experiences, circumstances and surroundings.  I wonder if you would choose some of the same beliefs if you did sit down to establish them today.  I wonder how it would change your life moving forward if all of your beliefs actually served you.

So how do you go about discovering what it is you don’t know in relation to your beliefs?  Well the first step I use when working with clients, which you can also use, is to assist them in taking a close look at something in their lives that is not the way they would like it to be.  It could be a relationship, wanting more friends, problems at work, or health concerns.  Basically anything that is not the way you want it to be.  I do this by asking them what would happen if the situation was the way they wanted it to be.  For example, what would happen if they did had more friends?  And then I ask, what else would happen?  I keep asking them ‘and what else would happen?’ until they no longer come up with an answer and then I ask it again. Whatever answers pop into their mind is treated as being true, as the answers are coming from their unconscious, after all where else would they come from?  They come up with not only pleasurable but also painful scenarios.  It’s the painful scenarios I get them to focus on.  The reason for this is that, we as humans do more to avoid pain that we do to feel pleasure (read more on pain and pleasure in the March 2011 edition of the Empower Newsletter).  Some underlying painful beliefs in the example of having more friends could be that having friends is hard work, they can’t be trusted, they let you down or that they even end up hurting you.

So although we consciously know we will gain certain pleasures from getting what we want, our unconscious also associates pain from past experiences.  The painful ones win out.  Our unconscious remembers when we were hurt in the past and associates that certain event as the cause.  So when we encounter that same experience again, because our unconscious wants to protect us it instinctively associates it as painful.  And because we do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure, we avoid the pain.  Hence, we unconsciously sabotage our friendships or potential friendships.

So how can we change our beliefs?  I start by getting my client to focus on the pleasurable outcomes they have had in the past.  Take the example of wanting more friends.  I ask them if all of their experiences have been painful.  I think not, surely there have been some good times, support and/or laughter.  I then get them to start focusing on the pleasurable outcome they want and all the times in the past it has been pleasurable.  From these pleasures a new belief is adopted.  Secondly I assist them in using their unconscious mind to their advantage by associating pain to not having more friends.  By asking questions like, what is not having more friends costing you and what are you missing out on by not having more friends?  These questions are asked until they have created enough pain for their unconscious mind to want to avoid.

I strongly urge you to try this technique.  What do you have to loose besides a disempowering belief that no longer serves, supports, nurtures or challenges you.  I would love to hear about ‘what you now know that you didn’t previously know’.

Is your mindset like an elephants?

Did you know that elephants have an excellent memory.  This is the reason why they do not escape from the stakes they are tied to at the zoo or circus.  It’s not because they can’t, they are certainly strong enough.  You see, they are chained to stakes as babies and no matter how hard they pull and tuck they can’t get loose.  This battle can last for days and is very bloody and painful.  So even when they are fully grown they not only remember that they couldn’t escape, they also remember how painful it was being chained when they were little so they don’t even try.

Good thing we aren’t elephants.

We are humans and as such we know better.  We know we can change if we set our mind to it.
You don’t have to be the elephant tied to the stake, you can break loose and reach the success you desire.  All you have to do is change your mindset and work on yourself.

‘We do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure’

Successful people take responsibility

Have you noticed that successful people keep working on what they want until they get it, whilst others make excuses why they didn’t get it?  Successful people don’t give up, or look to blame someone else or the circumstances surrounding the event.

If a situation has not turned out the way they would have liked, they generally look at themselves first.  They ask themselves questions like, ‘who do I need to be and what do I need to do to turn this around’? They realise that no matter how many reasons or justifications they have for an undesirable situation or result, they are only excuses and are not going to give them what they ultimately desire.  They acknowledge that they are responsible for the current outcome and also for creating the desired outcome.

You may ask ‘how am I responsible for being overlooked for the promotion or pay rise’?  Well ask yourself honestly how you generally respond to people, actions and events.  Do you focus on what has happened or in some cases what has not happened to you, and react accordingly; or do you rationally work out what needs to happen or who you need to be to create the outcome you want?

Far too often we react from a place of anger or resentment.  Even if no language is used, it will still come across in your body language.  Denial and failing to take responsibility will only continue to keep us stuck.  Ultimately this is not going to get us what we want. You are responsible for the way you react or don’t react and for the way you approach each and every situation.

By actively taking responsibility for your results and non-results and by being who you need to be, will ultimately give you the results you want. Remember you have a choice, and it is your choice if you take responsibility or not.

Terms used to describe those who have not accepted personal responsibility? martyrs. self-pitying, depressed, losers, quitters, chronically angry, dependent personalities, complainers, addictive personalities, blamers, stubborn, persons in denial, troubled people, stuck, fearful, pessimists, despondent, mentally unstable, obstinate, hostile, aggressive, irresponsible, weak, guilt ridden, resistant to help, passive, irrational, insecure, neurotic, obsessed, lost.

Some tips to start taking responsibility include: – • Accepting responsibility for your responses to the people, actions, and events in your life • Accepting that you are completely responsible for your own choices • Being open to change, new ideas or concepts about life and the way life is • Getting help from others • Letting go of fear and irrational beliefs • Releasing anger, fear, blame, mistrust, and insecurity.

www.coachtoempower.com.au

Di Browne

Phone 0427 026 935

7 Keys to Stepping Up

The 7 Keys to Stepping Up by Di Browne

Why Step-up?

To improve your franchise and to improve your ability to function in the world which will improve your results.

What is stepping up about?

To me it is realising that life has challenges built in. We can’t control that but we can control how we respond to it. It’s about being responsible for your results which means letting go of denial, blame or excuses.

Taking responsibility for your results and non-results, will give you a far greater opportunity to change those very results.

It is by being resourceful that we take ownership for our results. Being resourceful is about what’s within us. That is, resources are things around us such as time, books, computers, phones and schedules. Resourcefulness is our thinking (moods, attitudes, beliefs, values, and our ability to embrace challenges and become resilient). It’s your thinking that creates your results. So when you change your thinking, it changes your results.

7 Keys to Stepping Up

1. Start with the end in mind – know why you are there and what you want to accomplish. Whatever you start know the direction in what you want to head. Know where you want to be. Know why you want what you want. Focus on where you want to be. Set a clear and specific outcome.

2. Don’t complain unless you have a solution or you want to hear a solution – it will just bring about more of what you have already got. People who struggle to step up usually find it easier to lay blame or complain. Ask yourself ‘what can I influence or control?’ We cannot control anything external to us. We can change our thinking, view point, beliefs, approach and focus. They are within your control. Pay attention to your dialogue with others and your internal dialogue and language. You can change it.

3. Ask more of yourself today than you did yesterday – keep stretching yourself. Every decision we make is shaping our future. Our future is arriving whether we want it to or not. So why not make sure you get what you want.

4. Choose your thinking – we have over 60,000 thoughts in one day. It can be the same thought over and over again. How we think shapes our lives, it determines what you will give your attention to which then determines your results. Stop beating yourself up and/or blaming others. Visualise the results you want because what you focus on is what you get.

5. Shape beliefs that will shape your ideal destiny – beliefs like, there is always a way and I can find a way.

6. Choose to do resourceful emotions –emotions we do on a consistent basis are the ones that shape our lives. Emotions such as happy, sad, energetic, flat, depressed, angry, awesome and playful. Are they empowering or disempowering. Let go of the unresourceful emotions you feel on a consistent basis.

7. Persist – the definition of excellence is to follow through to completion. Stepping up is not only about what you start but what you finish. Believe that it is possible because you will get what you expect. Eg, Placebo effect. I wonder how your results will change when you use the 7 keys to stepping up.

www.coachtoempower.com.au

di@coachtoempower.com.au

Phone 0427 026 935