Empower Newsletter – April 2020

Certainty

*  A firm conviction that something is the case.

*  It’s a feeling of certainty.

*  A confidence in something.

How can we need both certainty and uncertainty? Aren’t they opposites?

They are in fact a balance.

If we have too much certainty, that leads to boredom and we crave variety, excitement and challenge. If we have too much uncertainty that can lead to overwhelm, stress and fear and we crave more safety, security and stability.

We’ll tend to prioritise our need for certainty, comfort or safety more or less highly than we do our need for uncertainty, variety and excitement.

~ awakenkinesiology.com ~

“Success comes not from having certainty, but being able to live with uncertainty.”

~ Jeffrey Fry ~

‘Damn, I’m good! I so got this. I’ll handle it!’

Empower Newsletter – March 2020

‘when you’ll be happy’

People who think they have a good life will always find a way to appreciate where they are and what they have no matter what.

People who say they will be happy and appreciate who they are, what they feel and what they have ‘when I get this or when this happens’ will not be happy or content for long even if/when they get it.

I call this the ‘grass is always greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome.  What this means is instead of someone looking for, seeing and appreciating things in their current circumstances/life, all they see is what other people have and how others seem happier than them and they tell themselves, ‘I’ll have a good life and be happy when I get what they have.’ Then they go about trying to achieve, buy or obtain what the other person has in an attempt to create the supposed life the other person has.

When they get it, the interesting thing is it hasn’t made a long term difference, the cycle of feeling ‘that things will be better when’ continues.

My point is that money and things don’t create happiness. Don’t get me wrong they are nice to have, but how much money and how many things are needed to sustain the desired feelings of contentment!

The ‘things will be better when’ mindset will not change until the realisation that we all already have everything we need to feel happy, appreciative and to be content all along.

By changing our mindset and reframing how we see our circumstances will in essence create the happiness we desire.  A great way to start is to actively look at things in our lives and decide to see the good side of them. This will create feelings of gratitude and happiness.

For example, instead of wishing your relationship was as good as someone else’s seems to be, start looking for all the good qualities in yours.  Maybe if you wish your partner earned more money you could start being grateful that you have a partner who loves you or even that you have a partner at all.

Maybe you are single and believe that you will be happy when you get a partner.  Instead ask yourself, what needs to happen or what you need to think in order to decide to be happy now?

Things and circumstances won’t create the continual happiness you deserve! A change in mindset to start appreciating what you already have right in front of you will.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

You use this proverb to say that the things other people have or their situations always look better than your own, even when they are not really so. It is often shortened to “The grass is greener on the other side,” or even “The grass is greener.”

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered.  When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.

“Grass is greener at other people’s feet because they watered it. You need not to let your environment control you; you have what it takes to make it look beautiful!”

~ Israelmore Avivor, Leaders’ Watchwords ~

“The grass is always greener on the other side–that’s because we can’t see over the fence.”

~ Marsha Hinds ~

‘My grass is always greener where I water it.’

‘Wherever I go the grass grows greener.’

Empower Newsletter – February 2020

‘you can be too positive’

Being positive is a good thing. It can facilitate positivity in others when they have difficult times. It helps you to overcome negative feelings and gives you a better perception of the future. But being positive is often not enough.

This brings me to my point about being overly positive about something that requires an action to change or to make something happen and not putting that action in is like being in denial. An example of this is thinking you will grow the best stuff in your garden without maintaining it. Clearly it will grow weeds and without being watered and maintained there is little to no chance that it will produce anything of value. If it is weed ridden and your flowers or produce are not growing, no amount of positive thinking will change the outcome.

But if you put some work in to looking after your garden by researching what will grow where and when, weeding and watering it, you will literally reap what you sow.

As I said earlier, positive thinking can easily change your mood or the way you see or feel about something but there is no amount of positive thinking that will change something that requires some sort of action.

The garden analogy translates to everything else in our lives as well. By putting effort and action into getting or achieving what we want it will become a reality. Positivity has its place but eventually making something happen requires action.

It’s also the same as denying your problems with positivity and hence sweeping your problems under the carpet just to be positive. It is better to face your negative attitudes and feelings (if you can). You can do this by talking to someone you trust or writing down how you feel. The next step is to think about and establish how you would like things to be and finally take some action to get it.

Sometimes we use positivity as a mask, to protect ourselves or others from hurting. This isn’t real or authentic because it is only present in words, it doesn’t reflect how we are really feeling.

Consequences of being overly positive when it clearly isn’t reality are continually feeling and staying where we currently are. Almost like stagnant water! Are you a flowing river or stagnant pond?

Positive

The definition of a positive is a good thing, or a result greater than zero, or something that represents an affirmation. An example of a positive is an item on a list of good things about losing your job. An example of a positive is a result on a pregnancy test saying that you’re pregnant.

Picture a nasty, green swimming pool.  It has been sitting there for months in stagnancy – building up disgusting slime that lines its walls. Nobody wants to swim in it.  It isn’t lifeless, as the bacteria have invited algae and her friends over for a pool party.  They are all having such a great time.  Unfortunately, this pool party isn’t any fun for humans.

So what’s the treatment for a stagnant pool of green slime? Take action!  You dump chlorine or other appropriate cleansers in the water and it destroys the undesirable elements.

“Sometimes positivity alone is not enough!”

~ Di Browne ~

‘I have a good balance of positivity and taking action in my life.’

Empower Newsletter – January 2020

‘what you enjoy’

Do you ever find yourself searching? Searching for something more, different, fulfilling, stimulating, or something you will enjoy or help you to feel more content!  Maybe you are after a career change or a new hobby or pass time. Whatever it is, the best place to start looking is from the beginning!

As a child we would naturally gravitate to what we liked with no judgement attached and no preconceived definitions of what it meant.

So what did you like to do as a child? How did you find yourself spending time? Was it being creative, maybe dressing barbie or was it the imaginary world of playing schools pretending to teach your imaginary class? Was it physical activity or games that you were drawn to? Maybe it was playing a musical instrument or singing and/or dancing. It could have been something more tactile like making things with your hands or drawing and/or painting.  If you are having trouble remembering, it may help to ask a parent, sibling or relative.

Once you have rediscovered what it was, the next step is to think about how it can translate into a career or hobby by thinking about what you actually enjoyed about it and look for something that will give you that. For example, if you spent most of your free time playing sport, you could join some sort of club, or become a coach. Dressing Barbie could translate to a sewing course, becoming a part time stylist, or working in your current occupation in a designer/retail industry.

It doesn’t have to be the exact activity either, it is more likely about how that activity made you feel and what it gave you. For example, if you spent most of your free time playing sport, you may have enjoyed the competitiveness, the social aspect or even the structure of it.

Once you have worked it out, there is only one thing left to do; ‘just do it’ or try different things until you find what you really enjoy.

Enjoy

1. Take delight or pleasure in (an activity or occasion).
2. Possess and benefit from.

If you loved taking dance lessons as a child you can always signup for a different type of dance class such as Rock and Roll or Latin American or go to places more that have music where you can dance.

Singing may be the thing that really energises you.  Have you thought about singing lessons or joining a choir?  Just for fun you could attend a monthly ‘pub choir’ event.  Google it…… they are everywhere!  It’s where a group of people (who can’t necessarily sing) sing together to a predetermined (usually well known) song Karaoke fashion.  Great fun!

I like people that enjoy life, ’cause I do the same.

~ Lil Wayne ~

‘Each day of my life is filled with joy and love.’

Empower Newsletter – December 2019

‘what you want’

Did you know that half the battle of getting what you want is knowing what ‘it’ is and what ‘it’ looks like? It’s really quite common for people to know and focus on what they don’t want. Believe it or not, even when we’re thinking about what we don’t want, we are not only putting energy into it, our unconscious mind thinks this is what we actually want.

Did you know that our unconscious mind doesn’t acknowledge negators like no, not, don’t, can’t, shouldn’t, will not or no longer, etc.? So when we say ‘I don’t want to fail’ our unconscious mind doesn’t hear the word ‘don’t’, it hears ‘I want to fail’ and our unconscious wants us to have whatever we want.

The trick is to work out what you do want!

So whenever you find yourself thinking about what it is you don’t want, change the thoughts in the direction to what you do want. An example of this is instead of not wanting a friend that leaves you feeling pretty ordinary and flat, decide exactly what type of friend you want, like someone that makes you feel good about yourself and energised.

Remember what you focus on is what you get!

By focusing on what you do want in every aspect of your life, you will not only create energy around it because you’ll know exactly what that is and what it looks like, you will also act on it when it appears.

It sounds logical that we would act on an opportunity when it appears but unless we actually work out exactly what it is we want, chances are we will not even know it’s something we want. In other words, it could be right in front of us but unless we know what it is we actually want we won’t see it. Have you ever bought a car and suddenly it seemed that there were a lot of cars around exactly the same as yours? Yes, well they were always there, it’s just that you didn’t see them until your focus changed. It’s the same in relation to focusing on what you want.

Remember it may start with knowing what you don’t want but it is imperative to work out what you do want so you will be able to start working toward it and also to know when it comes along.

Negation

1. The contradiction or denial of something.
2. The absence or opposite of something actual or positive.

If you hear the statement “Don’t think about the elephant!”, then in some sense you have only comprehended it if you understand every part of the sentence. So when you reach the word “elephant”, some aspect of your internal representation of ‘elephant’ necessarily becomes active. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t even know that you had heard the word “elephant” in the first place.

It’s all in your mind!

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.  If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted.  If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten.  If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.

~ Anonymous ~

‘I choose to focus on what I want.’

Empower Newsletter – November 2019

‘what you can control’

I was reminded of a very powerful way of living this week. There are many many ways we can sustain a happy life, the one that resonated with me this week was about controlling my reaction/response to what others are doing, or in this case not doing.

By changing my belief about the situation or at the very least understanding where the other person/people are coming from, their past and where they are in their lives in relation to their personal growth, would have created a stillness in me.

None of us know what anyone else has been through, going through or are struggling with in their lives. All we know is where we are in our lives. By releasing the expectation that certain people should think or be on the same page as us is not realistic and does not serve us. In actual fact it is doing the opposite to serving us by allowing negative thoughts to creep in which then creates the need for our reactions to be controlled.

Getting rid of these expectations and instead realising how good/fortunate we really are would be amazing. Maybe a pat on the back to ourselves and a little compassion for the other person is an alternate way to go in relation to not having to control our reaction in the first place. In other words, if we didn’t have the feeling of resentment or the expectation toward others or a situation in the first place we wouldn’t have to control the way we think or react.

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of different ‘ways of being’ and then put them into action to create and/or maintain a peaceful and calm life.

If you do find yourself in a situation that annoys you that you don’t have any control over, it will help to remind yourself that your power is in the way you choose to respond to it.

Control

The power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events.

Even though we have the ability to control our internal environment (our reality), sadly, many of us hand over that power to situations, circumstances, events, ‘luck’ and my (least) favourite, other people. As long as our internal environment is merely a reflection of our external reality then our happiness will always be held to ransom by something beyond our control.

~Lifehack.org~

Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.

~ Elie Wiesel ~

“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control how you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.”

~ Author unknown ~

‘I control my responses to what’s happening around me.’

Empower Newsletter – October 2019

‘if your spending and non-spending habits are serving you?’

Do you find it difficult to allow yourself to buy something that you want but really don’t need, or are you one of those people who buys whatever they want whenever they want no matter the cost?  Maybe you are someone who has a great balance between allowing themselves some things and not others.

Let me start by saying there is no right or wrong here.  The question is ‘do your beliefs around this serve you?’  That is, are they giving you the outcome you want in terms of how you feel about yourself after the fact.

For example, if you are one of those people who buys whatever they want, what sort of feeling are you usually left with after the purchase, or more to the point, the hours and days following the purchase?  If it makes you feel good, think about how long this feeling lasts.  Maybe the feeling is good to begin with but that feeling may eventually turn bad.

Sometimes a bad or shameful feeling may instantly follow a purchase.  Maybe it hangs around until another purchase is made to enable the good feeling again.  And the cycle may continue.

When we use purchasing something in an effort to feel good, often it is only helping to make us feel even worse about ourselves.  There is nothing like beating up on ourselves after the fact, with our self-talk saying things like ‘I’ve got no self-control, what a stupid thing to do, how am I going to pay for that bill now, etc.’

On the other hand if you are someone who constantly deprives themselves of something that is not seen as a necessity, does this leave you feeling good or bad about yourself?  It could leave you feeling good because you were strong in continuing to work toward your financial goals.  But sometimes without even realising it, we may unconsciously believe that we really don’t deserve it.

Everyone deserves to feel good and worthy.  So if you fall in either of these two categories which are causing unnecessary bad feelings, then changing your belief about allowing or restraining from buying will change the way you see yourself.

There are many ways to make us feel good about ourselves that don’t give us the bad feelings that often follow an unnecessary purchase or not giving ourselves permission to purchase.

The number one way to feel good about yourself is to give your time or service to help someone else.  For example, we could be there to listen for a friend that is going through a hard time, volunteer for a local charity or organisation, offer to help someone out, give someone a compliment or just simply smile at as many people as you can.

You deserve to feel good about yourself all the time!

Spending

The act of giving money for goods and services.

A 2008 experiment supports that people feel happier when involved in helping others.  Volunteers were split into two groups and either splurged on themselves or another person. Those who got something for others were shown to be happier than those who bought something for themselves.

Donating your time can have the same effect. In a recent review of 40 studies done over the last 20 years, researchers found that volunteering was one of the most successful ways to boost psychological health. Volunteering was found to be linked with a reduced risk of depression, a higher amount of overall satisfaction, and even a reduced risk of death from of a physical illness as a consequence of mental distress.

~https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2017/07/feeling-down-heres-some-advice-on-putting-the-smile-back-on-your-face/~

“The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love.”

~ Jennifer Edwards ~

‘My beliefs about spending serve me.’

Empower Newsletter – September 2019

‘repetition is the key to learning and unlearning ’

I’ve started studying again and although I’m enjoying it, what a shock to the system it is having to retain and learn all the new information.

I keep reminding myself that it is all about repetition.

This made me think about other things in our lives we want to change or start. That is, how can we expect to know what we don’t know. That’s why we are doing it, right! To learn something new. And that is all about repetition.

It’s like anything new or different than we’re used to, we have to continually do it. In the example of learning we have to continually write, read, touch and/or listen to it until we retain it.

The same is true if we want to change a belief we may have that no longer serves us. For it to become a natural thing to do or a habit, we have to continually practice it.

It is also true for changing a bad habit. It is also about repetition. That is, continually not doing the thing we want to change until it becomes a habit. Another way to look at changing a bad habit is still about repetition, but instead of thinking about the thing we want to change, we can replace it with something else and do that instead until that becomes the norm.

For example, if we wanted to give up eating between meals, instead of going to the kitchen/fridge out of habit, we could do something else instead. It could be going to the tap to get a glass of water, checking social media/emails, going for a walk, watering the garden or anything that occupies your mind until the thought passes.

So next time you want to learn, change or become better at something, remember it’s all about repetition!

Repetition

1. The recurrence of an action or event.

2.   The action of repeating something that has already been said or written.

Repetition is a key learning aid because it helps transition a skill from the conscious to the subconscious. Through repetition, a skill is practiced and rehearsed over time and gradually becomes easier. … Another important aspect of repetition is the interval at which a skill is repeated.

“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.”

~ Earl Nightingale ~

“Repetition is the mother of learning, the father of action, which makes it the architect of accomplishment.”

~ Zig Ziglar ~

‘Repetition will ultimately get me what I want.’

Empower Newsletter – August 2019

‘deadlines are like a magic wand for getting things done’

We use deadlines in business but sometimes we don’t utilise them as much as we could in our personal lives.

If there are no deadlines that’s when things can easily slip through the gaps and never get done. I hear some of you saying, “In the scheme of things what does it really matter if some less important things don’t get done?”

Well for starters, it will stay on your mind.  It will be lingering in the back of your mind like one of those little niggles ready to pounce when you see, think about or are reminded of the thing that hasn’t been done.

And if there is more than one thing you what to do but are putting off, these niggles will multiply and happen more often.

By getting what you want done you will eliminate the niggles which will allow you to relax and enjoy your time. Imagine how much more productive your mind will be and how relaxed you will feel without having an attack of the niggles.

Things don’t have to be urgent or important to place a deadline on them. If you would like them done, that’s as good a reason as any.  For example that spring clean that never seems to happen or making that phone call to enquire about the course you’re interested in.

Start by making a list. Write down the things you would like done as you think of them. Then decide when you will do it and write that date, time and duration next to it. Remember it doesn’t have to be completed in one session, you can come back to it. Just keep writing the next time you will do it until it is completed.

Imagine how good it will feel to cross it of the list and illuminate that niggle. So why not wave that magic wand today!

Deadline

A time or date before which a particular task must be finished or a particular thing must be done.

Deadlines aren’t bad. They help you organize your time. They help you set priorities. They make you get going when you might not feel like it.

~ Harvey Mackay ~

“We need to distinguish between stress and stimulation. Having deadlines, setting goals, and pushing yourself to perform at capacity are stimulating. Stress is when you’re anxious, upset, or frustrated, which dramatically reduce your ability to perform.”

~ Andrew J. Bernstein ~

“Deadlines refine the mind. They remove variables like exotic materials and processes that take too long. The closer the deadline, the more likely you’ll start thinking waaay outside the box.”

~ Adam Savage ~

‘I love deadlines.’

Empower Newsletter July 2019

‘how do you know what it means?’

When a friend walks straight past you and hasn’t said hello, does your mind automatically go into overdrive thinking about what you have done to them?

When we do this it translates into how it must be our fault.  A lot of energy and time is put into thinking about if we said something wrong last time we saw them or what it is that we could have done.  All of this is not only taking us away from being in the moment and thinking about and doing more important things, it is creating a whole lot of limiting thoughts and feelings.

Instead of expending all of that mental energy and time thinking and worrying about it, we could decide not to own it and/or ask questions.

It more than likely has nothing to do with us anyway.  Some of us automatically seem to think everything that happens is about us, when in actual fact most things are not.  In the example above, this friend could have just had an argument with a family member and is in their own head, doing exactly what you were just doing in relation to thinking about why they didn’t say hello.  They could be thinking through a problem or a decision they need to make and didn’t even notice you.

It’s happened to me before, I swear a friend is looking straight at me and yet still does not acknowledge me.  In every case when I’ve mentioned it it’s been that they were a thousand miles away; that they were not consciously looking at me.

The same principal is relevant when we apply for a job and are unsuccessful.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why we didn’t get it, but that doesn’t stop us making it about us and this ultimately turns into how we just weren’t good enough.  We are still the same person, with the same skills and yet it is so easy to beat up on ourselves by making it personal.  This then leads to negative thoughts and feelings which ultimately affects our behaviour and self-worth.

So instead of thinking things that happen are about us and making it mean something that we have no idea what it actually means, we could choose to believe that their behaviour is about what is going on with them (which it probably is), or in the case of not getting the job, that we just didn’t get it and think about what could we do to improve our chances next time.

That way we can stay in the present moment interacting, enjoying, concentrating, focusing or just being, whilst keeping our self-worth intact.

Assumption

1. A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
2. The action of taking on power or responsibility.

We should always be willing to look carefully at the assumptions we make. If need be, we should never be afraid to challenge their validity. Ask questions. Unless we do so, we will only end up missing opportunities and causing problems for ourselves that we could have avoided in the first place.

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfil our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”

~ Miguel Ruiz ~

“As you think, so you become…..Our busy minds are forever jumping to conclusions, manufacturing and interpreting signs that aren’t there.”

~ Epictetus ~

‘If I don’t know I ask questions.’