Empower Newsletter – October 2017

‘you haven’t failed unless you totally give up’

How many times do you have to try something before you give up, thinking you have failed?

By changing your answer (belief) to as many times as it takes, it would change your outcomes and life dramatically.

One belief is that we haven’t really failed unless we totally give up. This belief leaves us a lot of scope to not only help propel us forward, but also to inspire us to pick up the pieces and keep going.

It might be a year since you started writing that book but as long as you pick up where you left off it will eventually be finished.

To fail, you have to stop something with the intention of never doing it again.

So with this in mind what would you like to achieve in your life that you have struggled to get results with in the past?

‘The past does not equal the future.’

Maybe in the past you wanted to be a smaller size or two and during that journey you over indulged on occasion.  At this point a lot of people give up thinking that they have stuffed up so they stop.

This behaviour only encourages us to gather evidence to support that we are not good enough, because if we were we wouldn’t have failed right!

By changing our thinking, picking up the pieces and continuing we create a new belief system and outcome that will eventually get us what we want.

Some sort of adjustment, change or even a new skill set may be required, but if it is something you really want you will find a way.

Keep going and it will happen!  And along the journey you will be reinforcing that you are and always were good enough.

Continue

• Persist in an activity or process.
• Recommence or resume after interruption.

“What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning – and some of them many times over – what do you find? That you can swim? Well – life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!”

~ Alfred Adler ~

“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”

~ Buddha ~

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

~ Albert Einstein ~

‘If at first things don’t work, I get up and keep going!’

Empower Newsletter – September 2017

‘there is always another way’

When you think you have done all you can there is always another way!

Say I placed a jar next to some pebbles and asked you to fill the jar as much as you possibly could!  You would probably position the pebbles in the jar according to size and squeeze the smallest ones in the gaps and when you could no longer squeeze another one in you would probably be happy that you have done as much as you possibly could to fill the jar right?

But there is always another way!

Someone else may look at the jar, see all the gaps in between the pebbles and decide that they could use sand to fill it up more.  Shaking the jar until the sand works its way to the bottom so more can be added until no more could possibly fit, surely you would be happy that you have done as much as you possibly could right?

But there is always another way!

The next person really thinking outside the norm decides there is more that can be done to fill the jar even further.  They start slowly pouring water into the jar until it absorbs into all of the sand.

Sometimes we stop ourselves from getting what we want by thinking we have done everything we can, when in actual fact there is always another way!  It is a choice to continue or to stop.

Here is another great example of finding a way to get what we want in relation to a career change.  Say you would like to change careers but are only seeing the reduction in income whilst you study or build up your skills.  After all you probably have a mortgage and a family to provide for.  Instead of looking for all the reasons why it is too hard or why you can’t, start looking for ways you could make the change.  By thinking outside the norm, you may realise you can do your studying par-time whilst you stay in your current role with your current income.  You may even have the choice to move into a part-time role in your current job whilst you pursue your new passion.

It could even be a matter of getting outside of your comfort zone or asking others for advice.  To let go of excuses and decide to start looking for ways and seeing opportunities around you that will get you want you ultimately want.

So next time you have a situation and decide you have done everything you can to solve it, remind yourself there is always another way.

Another Way

Different or distinct from the one first considered; the same scene viewed from another angle.

There is always another way to sort out different problems; sometimes all it takes is to look to resolve things in an alternative way. There are always two sides to everything, up as in down, out as inside, above so below. It is the same with all things in life, look to the other side of what is happening and you will find a different route to take. Never feel that you are stuck, use the opportunity to think outside of the box and suddenly you will see your way clear even if it is to do absolutely nothing and to let the moment pass.

‘There’s always a way through every challenge.

You need a heart full of commitment.

A lens focused on positivity.

And feet willing to travel unexplored paths.

Faith forward.   You’ll get there.’

Karen Salmansohn

‘When all doors close, open the ceiling or dig a hole.  There is always a way.  Be resourceful.’

Kute Blackson

‘I always find a way!’

Empower Newsletter – August 2017

‘you are so much more than what you do’

I was chatting to a friend the other day about how her friend is struggling at the moment because her children have left home and feels she doesn’t know who she is or where she fits in anymore.

It’s quite common to have an identity crises when we define ourselves as one thing and it is taken away. This then leads to questioning one’s self worth.

How do you define yourself?

Is it by your occupation, maybe it’s your beauty, being a mother, a wife, being well travelled, your health or by your body.

No matter how you define yourself it’s not who you are, it’s just something you do or an expression of you.

Your friends aren’t your friends because you are athletic or beautiful, they are your friend because of who you are and what you stand for.

You are not your looks, it’s just one expression of you. You are not a jet setter, it’s just something you do!

By understanding who you are on a core level is what really matters.  Knowing your deepest core values, motives, passions and ethics means that you don’t need to look for your identity externally.  It also means that you can easily avoid creating internal conflict because you live in harmony with who you really are.  Consequently, every role you fill in life becomes just one more expression of your true self.

So when something that makes you feel significant changes in your life and creates a void or an identity crises such as becoming an empty nester, losing your job or retiring, or starting to look older, instead of flogging a dead horse or feeling lost remind yourself that it’s not who you are, it’s something you did and use this new space to create a new opportunity to find the next thing you will do to help you feel significant!

Define

• State or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of

• Mark out the boundary or limits of

You needn’t be defined by your past. And certainly, your future does not have to look like your past, unless you allow it to.

Sure, certain parts of your past were great, but…

The popular kid isn’t necessarily popular now.

The college quarterback doesn’t always make it to the NFL.

The child actor often doesn’t make it to the big screen.

Conversely…

The high-school nerd became Bill Gates.

The freshman bench-rider became Michael Jordan.

The poverty-stricken, abused girl became Oprah.

‘Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself and create your own sunshine.’

‘I am significant in many ways!’

Empower Newsletter – July 2017

‘what you expect can determine the outcome’

Are you someone who expects the best or the worst?

More specifically do you think a situation will turn out the way you want it to or do you think something will go wrong?

Some people expect something to go wrong so they won’t be disappointed when it does. They may even think the worst, so on an unconscious level when things don’t turn out, they can say they were right, that they knew it would happen or to maintain some sort of perceived control.  And there are people who expect things to go according to plan or a bit of both depending on the situation.

No matter how you think there is no right or wrong way, there are just different ways of thinking.

If you are someone who sometimes or never expects things to go well and this thinking isn’t working for you, I wonder if the outcome would change for the better if you started thinking the best.  In other words if you expect things to go well if the whole experience would change!

You see this change in thinking not only affects your confidence, enthusiasm, passion, the way you hold yourself when speaking and with interactions with others but also your results.

This is because your focus and energy is on what you are thinking, which is what you want and expect will happen instead of what you don’t want to happen.

Enjoyment energy comes from the degree of pleasure you experience from seeing, hearing, doing, feeling and imagining what you want. The level of excitement is a measure of the level of energy that feeds your expectation of more good. A decent metaphor would be that of turning yourself into a powerful magnet for good.

Give it a go! What do you have to lose besides the results (or should I say the non-results) you are currently getting.  And if you like your new results continue to consciously think that way until it becomes a habit.  Things may not always go according to plan but the way you feel and your mood during to whole process will be so much more beneficial to your wellbeing.

Expectation

Expectation is defined as believing that something is going to happen or believing that something should be a certain way.

The Power of Expectations

One of the most famous studies I have come across demonstrated the dramatic effects teachers’ expectations can have on their students’ performance. Elementary school teachers were told that some of their students showed great potential compared with other students based on an IQ test. In reality, no such test was taken. That is, some students were randomly selected for being labelled as having great potential while others were labelled as not having this potential. Despite the positively labelled students having no genuine advantage in potential over the rest of the students, they significantly outperformed the others during the school year. This was one of the key studies which brought to the forefront the power of people’s expectations in influencing performance. In this case, the teachers’ belief that certain students would excel was enough to bring about the expected result even though there was no legitimate basis for their positive expectations.

‘Expect the best and get it.’

~ Norman Vincent Peale ~

‘I expect the best!’

Empower Newsletter – June 2017

‘what being in your head costs you’

Although you were physically there, have you ever felt like you missed out on the whole experience, either in a social environment or with something you were doing, all because you were too busy overthinking and having a discussion with yourself?  When I say ‘missing out’, I mean feeling like even though you were there in person you didn’t feel involved or that you even participated.

This is typically what it feels like when we are ‘in our head’ too much.

When I say ‘in our head’ I mean not being entirely present in the moment because you are thinking way too much.  Either dwelling on something that has been said or something that has happened; or maybe even thinking about what you will say next and then having a debate with yourself as to what the reaction will be and whether you should even say it in the first place.  And before you know it the moment has gone and the cycle starts all over again.

When we are ‘in our head’ too much we traditionally become ultra-quiet and quite often the conversation will stall.  When we let go of calculated responses and become more spontaneous by communicating openly we become more present to the stimulating feeling that ‘being in the moment’ brings.  Being present allows us to fully participate, connect and interact with whatever is happening in our current situation and environment.

Another common scenario for being ‘in our head’ is dwelling for far too long on a comment you took personally, trying to work out what was actually meant by it or on what response you should have given at the time. We all have things that set us off: snarky emails, annoying colleagues, mindless drivers.

This behaviour keeps us stuck in the past and stuck from moving forward.  So instead of being ‘in your head,’ consciously start choosing to replace your reaction with the flash of being present.

Practicing mindfulness will ultimately bring a lot more joy and happiness into your life by creating better relationships, having more fun, feeling more relaxed, liking yourself more,

having better interactions and making deeper connections.

Mindfulness

Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.

Tips for mindfulness

*  Focus on how you want your future to be and what you need to do to get it

*  Divest from the outcome

*  Start trusting that everything will be fine

*  Be patient with yourself

*  Consciously practice quieting your mind in one area at a time

*  Learn how to “get back on track” in the moment

*  Don’t try to figure others out.

*  Your thoughts are not facts. In other words, don’t believe everything you think

*  Accept that you can’t change what happened in the past

*  Let it go, for your sake. Buddhist psychologist Jack Kornfield teaches, “It is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering”

*  Create an intention to be open and present

*  Listen intently without thinking how you are going to respond.

*  Stop trying so hard, relax and just be you

*  Trust that you are perfect just the way you are

Quote of the Month

“Being in your head too much only creates problems that aren’t even there.”

Affirmation Corner

‘I trust that everything will work out fine.’

Empower Newsletter – May 2017

Do you know?

‘the benefits of honouring ordinariness’

'When we learn the value of honouring the ordinariness of our life

instead of chasing the torment of needing to BE extraordinary we are

on the path to setting ourselves free.’  ~ Author unknown ~

This quote is the inspiration for this month’s Newsletter.  When I read it it got me pondering about how I felt that I was born to be extraordinary.  Funny thing is, from my experience with other people, they all seem to have this deep seeded belief as well.

For some of us, this belief drives us to be better and for others it stops us from feeling satisfied with who we are now as this expectation creates the feeling that we are not good enough yet?  That is, until we achieve ‘this’ extraordinariness we won’t be good enough, we would be less than ordinary or even worse, the opposite of ordinary, odd or abnormal.

Putting this expectation on ourselves that we need to achieve more in order to be more only continues to reinforce that we are not good enough yet.  My question is, ‘Good enough for what exactly?’  Good enough to deserve to be happy, content or even good enough to feel free to do what we want!

My truth is that we are continually learning, growing and improving whether we want to or not anyway.  Life has a funny way of pushing us and challenging us which makes standing still or being stagnant impossible.

Being extraordinary to me is being the best ‘you’ you can be right now!  The expectation that you are not good enough right now only leads to feelings of disappointment and unhappiness.

Wanting to excel at something is great but not at the expense of being caught up in feelings that only reinforce your dissatisfaction and disappointment with yourself.  As long as you are striving to achieve something because it’s something you truly want and not because you feel you need to in order to be good enough.

Ordinariness is not something to be feared, it is something that can enable us to function without self-judgement in a more simple and straightforward way.

Remember you are special, ordinary and extraordinary (perfect) just the way you are right now!

Ordinariness

1.     something regular, customary, or usual

2.     the quality or condition of being usual

3.     the quality of being commonplace and ordinary

Fear of being ordinary

All our lives we fear being ordinary. The ordinary frightens us. Relying as we do on an identity based on external labels and achievements, we strive to stand out from others. Alas, trying to fulfil our need for being special through external means is like filling a bottomless pit. No matter how successful we may be in our professions or how much fame and glory we may attain, our sense of self will be shaky. After all, there is always someone who has achieved more than we have, and even fame and glory fade. In the meanwhile in our struggle to be better than the other, we alienate them, for there is nothing that rents the fabric of our interconnectedness and interdependence as feeling superior to others.

~ Nandini Murali ~

“And while it takes courage to achieve greatness, it takes more courage to find fulfilment in being ordinary.”

~ Marilyn Thomsen ~

‘I am perfect just the way I am right now.’

Empower Newsletter – April 2017

‘how to be more accepting of others’

Have you noticed that you relate to a place more because you’ve been there before or you relate to a cause because it has directly affected you in the past?

For example if you or someone you love has been affected by a disease, you will relate to that disease more than any other.  You would be more likely to support that charity over any other.

It is the same with our beliefs. We create a belief because something affected us at some stage during our life and we gathered evidence to support that it was real and true.  It’s not that there wasn’t evidence to support the opposite, it’s just when we are gathering evidence to support one belief we tend to delete, distort and generalise other things that are happening around us because we are too busy being focused on unconsciously proving the former to be true.

Funny thing is that other people have done the same thing about a different belief.  That is, they have their own proof and evidence that a different belief is true for them.  Which leads me to my point that all beliefs are not actually true or false, right or wrong, they are just real for them/us.  One belief isn’t better or more important than any other, only to us!

We don’t all think the same, which is okay.  We have all had different experiences, parenting, schooling, role models, families and interactions.  The list is endless.  So it makes sense that we create our own beliefs based on our own experiences.

Imagine if we could all except that people have different beliefs because of their life experience and that it is okay with us.  It would change everything!  We would not take things personally, or get defensive about it or even take offence.  There would be no unwanted feelings popping up to change our mood or to impact our response.  It would allow us to stay ‘out of our head’ analysing where they are coming from or what they meant by it.  There would be no judgement, just their opinion based on their belief.

What does it matter if someone else thinks differently than us about something.  It doesn’t affect our lives, that is, unless we let it.  Remember we can’t control other people but we can control our reaction and the way we respond!

If you leave something you don’t agree with with the person who is saying it, it frees you up to get on with your own life instead of saying or doing something you may regret, or dwelling on it or over analysing it.  Remember you are right for you and they are right for them.

Acceptance

1.     the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered

2.     the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable

3.     agreement with or belief in an idea or explanation

Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it.

“On the road to success there is absolutely no room for criticism of self or others. Insecurity and fear masquerade as jealousy and judgment. Finding faults in others wastes time as we attempt to remove the bricks from other people’s foundations – time that could be better spent building our own. And worrying about what other people think about us also wastes the time that could be better spent expanding upon what we have built.”

~ Alaric Hutchinson ~

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance.”

~ George Orwell ~

‘I am accepting of other/s beliefs.’

Empower Newsletter – March 2017

‘most people know what they don’t want’

If I said “Don’t think about a giant pink elephant wearing a black and white poker dot bikini,” chances are you are thinking about it.  It’s the way our mind works.  You see once something is mentioned, in order not to think about it we first have to picture it.

When a tightrope walker looks down, it only shows him where he doesn’t want to be.  Looking down leads to thoughts such as “don’t fall,” which causes him to think of falling. The vision then plays out in his mind of him falling to a nasty death.  Instead the skilled tightrope walker keeps his focus on where he is going.

No matter whether we are saying or thinking something, it is really important to communicate and/or see it the way we want it to be, not the way we don’t want it to be.

Lots of us seem to know what we don’t want in life but struggle to communicate and/or see what we do want.

For example a single person looking for a relationship may say “I don’t want a man that is a liar and a cheat.”  “Okay you don’t want a liar and a cheat but what do you want?”

A lot of the time it could just be the opposite of what we don’t want.  In this situation the new statement could be that they want someone who is truthful and trustworthy.

Once our subconscious knows what we want and what we are looking for we start to look and find just that.  So by looking for truthful and trustworthy qualities in people we will find those qualities instead of finding  liars and cheats.

If you are attracting the same unwanted results repeatedly, one of the reasons could be that you are constantly telling yourself what you ‘don’t’ want!

Say it the way you want it to be, in the positive sense.

By knowing what you want, you and your subconscious will actually know what you are looking for. It will take some practice and conscious effort at the start but before you know it it will have become a habit, a way of speaking.  You will be saying it like you want it to be and actually getting it.

In other words, the key to any success is by focusing on the positive, not the possible negative.

Positive Language

NLP asserts that using positive language can change your behaviour. According to NLP, the subconscious-which regulates your automatic functions, like breathing and digestion-doesn’t register negative words or sentiments. So if you tell yourself your goal is to not eat junk food, your subconscious hears that you want to eat junk food. Change the language to “I will eat nutritious snacks,” and your subconscious helps you work toward the goal you want. “Move toward what you want, not away from what you don’t want.”

~ Marcia Reese, Psychotherapist ~

From Negative to Positive

• Why not ? Sounds good
• No problem ? Definitely!
• Can’t complain ? Everything’s going well, thanks
• I’m exhausted ? I need to rest
• I forgot ? I’ll make sure to set a reminder
• Constructive criticism ? Feedback
• Don’t throw the ball inside! ?  Please take the ball outside.
• Don’t … ? I like it when…
• I missed you so much! ? It’s so great to see you!
• No! ? I know you like ice cream, but eating too much isn’t healthy.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

‘I express how I want it to be.’

Empower Newsletter – February 2017

Welcome to the February 2017 edition of the Empower Newsletter. This month the focus is on being able to work out why we are not getting the results we ultimately want in our lives and how to get them!

Do you know?

‘how you know what you don’t know’

One of the most important principles about everything we do in life is ‘that we don’t do anything unless it gives us something!’ That something doesn’t necessarily have to be good or positivey, it can also be something we see as bad. For example I had a client who was unintentionally constantly hurting herself physically, a bit accident prone I suppose. She was 100% sure it wasn’t giving her anything!

It wasn’t until we established that it was a way for her to get attention from others that she realised what it was giving her. Something that unconsciously started, and gave her what she wanted/needed as a child was no longer serving her as an adult. This realisation then allowed her to consciously change her behaviour.

By knowing what we are getting from any situation we want to change in our lives allows us to become consciously aware of what and why it has been happening. This then allows us to choose a different way forward that will give us the outcome we ultimately want.

So if you are struggling with something in your life and are ready to change it, the best place to start is to ask yourself ‘What is it giving me?’

Still not convinced!

Often clients who are single and looking for a relationship struggle to get their head around how they have had anything to do with not finding one. The usual comment I hear is “I want to be in a relationship, I just haven’t met the right person yet!”

Once they establish what being single is giving them, which could be unconsciously sabotaging situations or relationships in order to keep themselves safe from heartbreak or losing their independence, they can easily change how they are behaving and/or what they are currently doing.

If you are still having trouble establishing what you are gaining from a situation, another great question to ask yourself is ‘What will I lose or no longer get/have when I get what I want?’ Alternatively if the reason still alludes you I am more than happy to help you work it out and to establish a way forward.

By working out what you are currently doing, which isn’t giving you what you want, you will be able to change it to start moving closer to your desired outcome!

How do I know what I don’t know? Answer: By working out what the current situation is giving you!

Definition

Unconscious Mind

The Unconscious Mind consists chiefly of the mental processes that occur automatically in the body (breathing, heart rate, etc.) that are not readily available to conscious control or introspection. Psychological research since the 19th century suggests that the unconscious mind also controls the phenomena of repressed feelings, automatic skills, subliminal perceptions, thoughts, habits and automatic reactions as well as possibly holding emotional complexes, phobias and desires. Our feelings, motives and decisions are actually powerfully influenced by our past experiences, and stored in the unconscious.

Something to Ponder

Your unconscious mind communicates through emotion and symbols: To get your attention, the unconscious uses emotions. For example, if you suddenly feel afraid, your unconscious has detected (rightly or wrongly) that your survival is at risk.

Quote of the Month

“The conscious mind determines the actions, the unconscious mind determines the reactions; and the reactions are just as important as the actions.”

~ E. Stanley Jones ~

Affirmation Corner

‘I ask myself powerful questions that get me closer to what I want.’

Empower Newsletter – January 2017

‘how to get what you want’

We all know this time of year is a popular time to set a New Year’s Resolution in order to create a positive lifestyle change.   But did you know that many people fail to achieve them!  One of the main reasons for this is that we haven’t thought through in detail how we are going to achieve it and what exactly we are prepared to do in order to get it.  If you haven’t already it’s time to start thinking about how you are going to achieve what you want and what you need to do, think or be in order to get it!

This reminded me of a conversation I recently had with one of my friends.  She asked for my advice about what she should write in a letter of request.  My answer was for her to write what she needed to write in order to get what she wanted.  In other words, start with the end in mind! What are you writing the letter for? What do you want and what do you need to say that will ultimately get you your desired outcome?

It was quite confronting for her at first because there were things she wasn’t prepared to say but once she realised that if she didn’t say certain things that made her feel uncomfortable she didn’t have much chance of achieving her desired outcome.  It boils down to doing what needs to be done to get what you want.  Another way of looking at it is ‘what is worse, saying what we see as too hard or not getting what we want?’

It works the same for any situation or dilemma in life.  Say you are single and want to find a partner, what exactly do you need to do, think or say to get it?  So starting with the end in mind of being in a loving relationship, you will probably need to step out of your comfort zone.  It could involve joining an online dating site or a social group of something that interests you like bush walking or an art group.  Maybe you need to become more socially active.  Whatever it takes to ultimately get you what you want!

Another popular New Year’s Resolution is to become healthier!  By starting with the end in mind, what needs to happen in order for you to look and feel that way?  What do you need to say, do or think in order to achieve it?  An exercise regime is a great place to start but what do you need to think and do for example if you are tired and looking for excuses not to exercise.  Is not exercising going to get you what you want?  What is worse, exercising or not getting what you want?  Is eating that cake getting you closer to what you want or further away?  Is eating that cake ultimately giving you more pain or pleasure?

What do you need to do, think or be to get what you want?

Begin with the End in Mind

To begin each day, task, or project with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination, and then continue by flexing your proactive muscles to make things happen.

“My first advice is to start small. Choose something small you can start doing now that will help you achieve a bigger goal or resolution. For example, if your goal is to get healthy or lose weight think of something you can promise to keep. You can decide to wake up a little earlier to organize your day to allow some exercise or decide to drink more water during the day and cut out unhealthy drinks. The main thing is to make a promise to yourself and keep it. When you make a promise and keep it you will find yourself grow in self-assurance and confidence. The more successful you are with making and keeping promises to yourself, the more you will be able to make and keep promises to others.”

~ Stephen R Covey ~

“If the plan doesn’t work change the plan but never the goal.”

‘I easily do what needs to be done to get what I want.’